AES 11: Realizing

I’m inching closer to recovery everyday that I still live and breathe, but I had faced something that had scarred me so deeply that to this day, I wonder if the wound will ever close. And as I was fighting this battle, my capability of holding my emotion could not hold anything beyond what it was already holding. There was nothing they could have done for me at that time. So much love, and I wasted it all away. They couldn’t be the savior that I needed, so I lashed out and pushed them away for being (what I thought at the time) useless. I have been in a situation where I had to push away everyone from my personal life. I have made boundaries that even myself wouldn't cross them. I have also made an AES about myself,it's called “Diri” (jangan lupa baca ya). But at that time, i pretended that i was recovering but the reality is, deep down i needed help. I chose to keep all of my problems and just wish that it will eventually go away. 

 It was a battle I didn’t know how to win, and this person’s existence in my life planted this expectation that perhaps they hold the medicine to my pain. It wasn’t fair because they didn’t know what they were supposed to fix. They didn’t know what the demon inside me was, didn’t know what was causing me so much pain, and I had expected them to see right through my layers of rage, reach deep into my inner scared child, and tell her she will be okay. 

 This person has been there for me through my ups and downs.They made me feel like I need to be a better person, not for anyone but for myself. I could finally breathe a little freely. I knew that they were watching from afar, with great patience. I knew that they were waiting for me to be ready,to finally take that one step that I needed to move on.

 This made me realize that I could be an independent person from the help of people that truly love me. I started seeing the cup half full, and I shifted my focus to doing the best for my inner child who never stopped dreaming for the world even in her darkest hour.