AES 1193 Morning thought

I do not know where I am going with my writing this morning. All I want to do is just to write something without knowing what to write.

For some reason I lost track of time, I kept asking Nina about what day it was today, and then after I had the answer I got so shocked and tried to think about what I had been doing for the past few days that had passed without realizing them. It makes sense though, I haven't been out of the house for the past few days. I don't feel well and I get stuck with workers who are fixing the house.

I spent the last 2 hours after Nina left for work doing nothing but thinking. The workers I hired to fix the house and drill the ground to get to the water source have not come yet. It is still too early. So I sat at the dining table alone and took the last bite of my little bika ambon which I got last week. I know it's old but still good. Whenever I go to a store that sells snacks, I always feel like I am looking at some treasure that I want to grab and buy. Everything interests me. I still have some snacks in the fridge that I will enjoy later.

Food and snacks so far saved me from boredom and also my headache from facing so many problems to settle down. Also, they are a very potent distraction from missing my friends and my job. This Morning I sent my last, the very last email to my ex-boss and coworkers, I forwarded some emails from the vendors and told them that it would be my last email since I was losing my access to my account and the CSU system. That last email I wrote made me think that I needed to move on and leave the past as it was.

"This is my new reality." Said I to myself. I absolutely know that, and I have been trying as much and as hard as I can to settle, to make it better and I am working on it. Life is not as bad right now, it would be better if I didn't have any problems with the house, but it is what it is and I think so far I am good at dealing with it. Not convenient, but I can manage. As I wrote yesterday, everything is only temporary and it won't take long.

This will be a new me. Or more likely my newly improved (or refurbished? hahaha) me. Whatever! It is a new adventure anyway and so far it has been very interesting. I have been working on the outside such as a place to live, transportation, paperwork, and everything else, but I realize that I also need to work on the inside.

Very little time, though, is spent exploring and anticipating the shifts that will happen (or are happening) internally. Especially after I celebrate my achievements and the questions about momentum, sustainability, and “what’s next?” kick in.

Like I said a few months ago, I still need to formulate my new purpose. I have some ideas. Will it work? Will I need to think about a different one? who knows, uncertainty is always part of the game, part of the adventure. All I need is to flow, float, and enjoy the current cause this momentum probably will never come again or it may come but will be different than the one I have at the moment.

Photo credit: kontenjatim.com