AES 31: being a little too much

 I have tried to abandon who I am at this moment in time. I tried to act heartless, a little less sensitive, more careless. I thought if I do such a thing, I will never get hurt, that I won't feel the heaviness of missing them. I tried to mould myself into a heartless block of ice. No amount of fire could turn warm. I isolated myself and saw this world as ever so ugly. And what a stupid thing to do. For at the core, I am a person who feels too much at times and gives too deeply. I try to see the best in others, and if they aren't the best there is a reason they aren't. But you see, there isn't always a justification for some people being just inhumane in nature and I will come to terms with that someday soon. But also with much gratitude, I can not abandon that part of me. That feels too deep. Sometimes I hate such a thing, because I tend to look at this world with naive eyes and wear my heart on my sleeve. I think everyone is nice, despite when they prove to me otherwise. I tend to over share and forgive too easily, because I hate knowing the majority of humans in this world's only ambitions are to set one's heart on fire and feed it to a bunch of ego hungry lions. I tend to justify and see the good in people, and I guess because from such a young age I was torn between who I thought my father was and who he really is. And I am telling you it's draining, to be a person who feels too much and too deeply. But how dare I abandon myself, and turn ice cold and heartless for where is the beauty in such a thing. I will continue to seek lights of abundance and love within myself and my life, despite how harsh life is, despite how evil humans can be. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't hate myself for my very own human nature, but I can accept it and I can tweak it. I am on a journey of sharing less and looking more within. But that's easier said than done, for all my life I've looked through lenses of trauma. I am only now starting to stray away from it, and it will take time. To feel too much Is a blessing and a curse and I guess I have to learn to find the middle, and I will. I'm slowly getting there, I am slowly understanding boundaries and what it means to trust me and me only but I will not say it's easy. I don't know why,

It's so hard for me to understand. But just as I'd treat another, I will treat myself with gentleness and care and I will be ok.