AES 104 Effortless Is a Myth

I was just sitting in front of my laptop, listening to Taylor Swift’s graduation speech on NYU’s youtube live streaming. First of all super proud of her as a fan, to see her have an honorary doctorate degree. I found her speech very interesting, well seem to find everything she does interesting. This part specifically really got me on a hook “Never be ashamed of trying, effortlessness is a myth” 

I totally agree with what she said, as a person that is always trying, I have never been ashamed of the effort and enthusiasm that I've shown towards the things I am passionate about. For me, an effort is the biggest value. You can never grade, or represent an effort in a form of numbers or a simple A-F. Believe me, I learned this the hard way, I have had too many experiences where my effort was never seen as a valuable aspect.

This one time I remember I was really having a hard time with my anxiety, I was crying every single day. And I has this math test coming up, which absolutely didn't help with how anxious I was. With my head spinning, and my hands trembling I attempted to study for the math test. I did everything, look through my notes, I tried quizzing myself, I rewrote the notes, and it eventually got to the point where I just closed my eyes and prayed for the best. 

The results were obviously bad, like really bad. I got a 30%, and the grades were just said out loud in class, so everyone knew my score. The amount of shame that I had in myself, I couldn't possibly find enough words in the complete English dictionary to describe it. As often as things like this happen, it doesn't make me any stronger. Seeing that my friends were looking at me with “that look” the look that says “of course, no surprise, she failed again” 

I went home after that I cried, to the point I could barely feel my eyes. After that I just laid down in my bed, looking at the ceiling. I thought to myself “I tried, so hard, why did I fail again? Why do I have to always get publicly humiliated?” But I realized that it doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. From that day for the sake of my mental health, I saw my grades as these silly little numbers on a piece of paper. All that I cared about is my effort, I have to make an effort, the best possible effort I have to offer. Whatever happens after that is a result of my best effort, therefore I should be proud of it whatever it is. 

This really makes me sound like Im a person that doesn't care about my education, but I think I just have my own way of defining what is considered education or being educated. At first, I was scared, really. Im I just driving myself to be more of a failure? The thing is, what else is there for me to do other than do the best? When the best effort is done, it's just time to cross my fingers. 

I think life wasn't created to be effortless, every step we take, every word we say - they take effort. While there is so much to say about capitalistic ideas that push us to work hard, and judge ourselves based on grades or money. We have to realize that there is a factor of luck and privilege, so it's not really a fair game, these things are never fair. Perfect effortlessness is a lie, we shouldn't pressure ourselves to fit into society's impossible perfect standards.

 An effortless life isnt my goal, I want a life with faith. Faith towards growth and improvements, to live towards passion and happiness. 

picture: https://id.pinterest.com/pin/13510867623550387/