AES107 Embracing My Confusion

I have no idea what Im doing. To me now everything just feels too much, it's a struggle for me to arrange words that would resemble this feeling. I could say Im having an existential crisis because this feels so much more intense compared to a mental breakdown. An existential crisis, by definition, refers to the ensemble of feelings and questions we have to do with the meaning and purpose of our life. 

I don’t think having an existential crisis is fully bad, questioning our purpose is a process of actually knowing what we’re living for. We live because we have a purpose in life, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Now, I can’t see that light clearly, the light is there, but it's very dim to the point I start to question if it actually exists. 

I feel very numb right now, too much is happening all at the same time so I can’t really feel anything. One thing for sure that I feel is this pain that doesn't seem to ever go away, if my whole body and soul could have a headache this is probably how it would feel like. 

All this time I thought I could do this by myself, I brainwashed myself into thinking I don’t need anyone. I hated the fact that I needed others because most often they would hurt me. But the past year I learned that I need others, and that is just what humans do. We are connected in a network with other humans. 

Now I crave a sense of human connection, I want to be seen and to be loved by others. On the other hand, I don’t think I deserve it, I feel like I haven't done much to deserve that level of human love and affection. As much as I feel I don’t deserve it, doesn't change the fact that I still want to experience it. The fear of not living life to the fullest as a human being haunts me, I don’t want to end up being a loveless human being with no purpose. 

Life is filled with ups and downs, but it's odd how many downs I am feeling lately. But what if this is just the universe’s way to give me a burst of progress? What if this process is just the thing that is necessary for my growth as a human being? I literally have no idea, when I say Im confused, I really am. Is 2+2=4? I have no idea. 

Writing about confusion is very confusing, but that's the point. I am a person who’s very confused, writing about confusion, in a confused state of mind. I have no choice but to embrace my confusion and hope for it to be over. 

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picture: https://id.pinterest.com/pin/15903404926229941/