AES119 Have a Little Faith

I started this journey with Kiran, Jose, and Kak Gina feeling excited, but I also felt super anxious. Now here, being in the moment, living in the experience I have mixed feelings about the anxiety that I felt early on this journey. Well, that doesn't mean that I don't feel anxious right now, because I do, but there's something different this time. 

Recalling the moment when we were doing our first work-in-progress presentation, someone asked me "What do you hope to achieve after the trip?" I named a few things, confidence, security in self-identity, and well happiness. If you ask if am I fully confident, secure with my identity, and happy right now? I have to be honest, that the answer is both yes and no. No in the sense that I'm not fully all of those things right now, but I can say that I've had quite the shift of perspective surrounding the topics. 

Confidence is something that I think most people struggle with, especially when you're someone that doesn't exactly fit in with everyone. For most of my life I've felt like an outsider, but here being in Bali gave me a fresh point of view. I found that there isn't anything generally wrong with me, it was just I haven't found enough of my people. What I mean by saying "my people" is people who really click with me, the ones that can see the best in me.

When we stayed 3 weeks in Seger Oger (Gianyar) we almost did yoga every day. Most people who participated were just so kind, warm, and welcoming to me. After yoga, they would eat together, and they would sing and dance together. They would compliment me on my not-so-good yoga poses, my terrible singing voice, and my basic dance moves. This gave me a very strong message, that people are capable of showing such great forms of affection to one another. You just have to find the right ones. 

Despite being so brief, our time in Ubud was also so meaningful for me. A little back story; in Ubud, we helped at Tri Desna which is a purification ceremony place. I knew Tante Helena who was the one running the place, and also Bu Desak who was the healer there. They're both friends with my mom, the last time I saw them was in 2018. It was so fun there, and the highlight of it all was that I actually got the chance to experience the purification ceremony myself. It was just amazing, I felt a heavy weight that I'd been carrying all this time was gone. Another thing about Ubud is that I talked to a lot of tourists, and most of them are just so sweet. They complimented my English as well, which was just a confidence boost for me. My social skills and English have always been two aspects that I've been proud of and having people notice was just amazing.

After Ubud, we all went to Munti Gunung. I think this is just such an unexpected, yet also meaningful experience. I think by experiencing life there, and observing what the locals have to go through every single day. I realized that I'm privileged to have great access to water, food, healthcare, and most educational resources. It just breaks my heart to see children there not get the education they deserve. Sometimes their parents are the ones that asked them to stop going to school for various reasons such as looking after their younger sibling or they are asked to work. Behind all that anxiety of looking at what is in front of me, I'm mostly glad that the people of Munti Gunung have a program that's trying to heal their current situation. 

It comes to say that after those 3 places, I have felt a lot of things. It's definitely been a challenge for me. Often, I would have this bubble of anxiety surrounding me, making me feel not good enough or incapable. Yet again, when I think about it, I can be this person today because I had the smallest bit of faith in myself. Even with that tiny percentage of faith that I had, I turned out fine. Couldn't help but wonder, maybe I should believe in myself more, who knows what I could achieve?