AES20 Another confusion

TW: mention of trauma, toxic relationship 

This has been stuck in my head for some time now. I don’t know if im interested in a romantic relationship, or marriage. It’s just scary for me, it really is. Because I feel like I know so many amazing, wonderful, and beautiful women got hurt through a relationship/marriage. Like, we never know it could happen to anyone. And I am a child of a divorce, I also know many people that are divorced. I know and I have seen the amount of sexism, harassment, and discrimination those women experience. 

Every time I think about marriage it really makes me anxious and scared. Things just don’t fit right in my head. I even kinda hate the idea of marriage in a way. This is purely my opinion and based on my experience so no offense to anyone that disagrees. I just hate how many women give up their dreams/jobs for marriage, and I know they are not willingly doing that. They are basically brainwashed that every woman has to serve their husband, take care of the kids, etc. I totally respect women who choose to be a stay at home moms but some of them are just brainwashed or just pressured by their parents. 

I just want to avoid that life at all costs. I also know many traditions at weddings that symbolize the woman obeying and “giving her life” to a man. I just feel like so many smart women stop doing their job/passion for marriage. It’s just like they gave up their dreams for a man. I just feel like there’s this dark world of marriage that people try to romanticize/cover-up that is actually worst than what I imagine. 

I also have a trauma with men, most male influence in my life affects me in such a negative way. It gets to the point I find it hard to trust men. For example, you got bit 5 times by a cat, but you know not all cats would bite you. But since you have been bitten 5 times you will avoid cats, because there’s a chance for you to get bitten by yet another cat. That’s basically how I feel. I would rather avoid a relationship/marriage so that the things I fear won’t happen. It’s like Im shutting my door, and not opening a single gap. 

But on the other side, I want to have someone that would care for me and show me affection. But I don’t need a romantic relationship or a marriage to achieve that. I feel like if I don’t have a significant other I will have more time and energy to love everything around me. To love my family, friends, pets, nature, etc. This is actually really confusing for me, to be honest Im not sure about what Im talking about. I mean Im turning 16 next year, I don’t have enough experience and to jump to a conclusion. It could also just be my brain playing games on me, I mean most things seem so scary to me. 

Totally no hate for people that are happily married, good for you.

picture:https://id.pinterest.com/pin/698339485955591457/